We are a nation of liars. Fortunes are made and nations now conquered on
the backs of outrageous lies. We are governed by the professional
classes, the most respected members of our society — MBAs, lawyers,
CEOs — professional liars, all. (The American university system is
designed to teach one lesson to its students, and only one: how to lie.)
A man has two tools to display his manliness, to show how big a dick he
has: deeds of daring through violence and lies. The banishment of
violence has left man with no alternative but to sharpen his tongue for
battle: in the courts, the office, the media, in his own home.
With the banishment of violence comes the wilting death of honor. Few
now can bear that word without a laugh. Honor? What is that? How
embarrassing. Something from the Middle Ages, right? Bringing up honor
leaves us feeling uncomfortable, vaguely sensing there is something
wrong, unable to put our finger on what ills us.
Honor signifies that means do not justify the ends; that a man’s good
name is based on his methods, not his results; and that a good name
unjustly smeared is worth fighting and dying for.
Consider the following scenarios.
A man finds out another man seduced his girlfriend. He challenges the
man to a duel. The seducer, knowing that if he does not fight will be
seen as cowardly and dishonored, must fight. The wronged man shoots and
kills him. The wronged man’s girlfriend will, in the future, have the
good sense not to cheat on him, unless she wants her next lover to be
killed on the duelling field like the first one was.
A man kills his wife, hires a fancy lawyer and gets himself acquitted.
The father of the victim challenged the accused to a duel and kills him.
In the future murderers will know simply winning the lying contest known
as a trial will not be enough, they may have to face down the gun barrel
of an angry relative of the victim.
A large corporation is found to be polluting a nearby river. Hundreds of
people have sickened and many people are developing strange and unusual
cancers. One man, whose family has died, challenges the CEO of the
corporation to a duel, and kills him. In the future corporate management
will take care before “accidentally” dumping toxic chemicals into the
local rivers and streams, all in the name of profit.
As I am not a lawyer it remains unclear whether enacting statutes
permitting and regulating duelling should be done on a state-by-state
basis or at the federal level. As opinion is likely to vary from state
to state, and it is generally easier to bribe a state legislator than a
federal one (oh for the good ol’ days), it will probably make more sense
to implement this at the state level.
Special duelling fields will need to be set up where men may fight
without stray bullets venturing beyond its confines. An armed sheriff or
police officer will need to be in attendance to inspect the weapons and
ensure a fair fight; firing before the signal is given shall be
punishable by being shot down by the presiding police officer.
Depending on each state’s tastes, each dueller should be permitted only
one, two, or three bullets in their pistol; a duel with 15-shot
automatic handguns would most likely result in mutually assured
destruction, which is not the point of duelling at all. (Although
special “duel-to-the-death” statutes could also be enacted, if you were,
say, a legislator in Texas.)
One of the thorniest questions involved in the legalization of
duelling is the question, must a man challenged to a duel fight the
duel? That is, may a man be forced to fight a duel, or, say, all his
property be forfeit?
Most people would probably say avoiding a fight to the death is a smart
thing to do. Under our current moral code, there would be no stigma
attached to refusing to fight a duel — instead of the coward being
dishonored, he’d be slapped on the back for “doing the smart thing”.
Such a scenario would, of course, completely neutralize the desired
effects duelling would have. Therefore I must conclude laws must be
implemented mandating that a man challenged to a duel must fight.
There would need to be some sort of exemption to this for our elected
officials, or else Congress would be quickly depopulated and the White
Houses constantly changing occupants. I would propose that, much as
members of Congress and the President are exempt from ordinary
prosecution while in session, they be also made exempt from being
required to accept a duel while in office. (However the moment they
leave office they would no longer be bound by this statute, so they
should think long and hard about how they conduct themselves in office.)
There should, of course, be a waiting period; say, two weeks. Let the
challenger be sure a duel is desired. This will also give both a chance
to practice their marksmanship before the final day.
Inevitably the feminist is going to pop up asking why I have only used
the male pronoun in this essay. But don’t worry, ladies, I propose there
be an equal system of duelling for women. First, men and women will not
be permitted to duel — just because he dumped you doesn’t give you the
right to shoot him.
Rather, I propose that special ladies’ duelling rings be set up. No
firearms or pointy objects will be permitted; rather, these duelling
rings will contain bleachers, so that we may watch female contestants
settling their differences by pulling each others’ hair and clawing each
others’ eyes out. The winner would, of course, receive any proceeds,
minus that local jurisdiction’s fees.
The use of seconds would no longer be necessary. Originally seconds were
present to ensure a fair fight, and assist the wounded; but this
function would more reasonably fall to the presiding sheriff and an
ambulance waiting outside the arena.
The re-introduction of duelling will put a damper on the excesses of
unfettered, unchecked laissez-faire capitalism; reduce infidelity and
the transmission of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases; teach
a whole new generation the value of honor; and cut enormous amounts of
waste out of our judicial system.
Write to your state and federal legislators now and tell them you want
duelling legalised!
– this essay originally appeared at www.jensporup.com/essays.