Venezuelan women are supposed to be famous for their beauty. More Venezuelans than any other nationality have won the Miss Universe pageant. And yeah, there are some serious hotties about the place, especially in Mérida.

But what I noticed most was the camel toe. Tight stretch lycra pants in the Caribbean heat? You betcha. Even old fat women in jeans I found myself staring — how can one nation have so much camel toe? Do Venezuelans simply have larger pudenda than other people?

Thinking about it now, that could be the case. Venezuelans are also bigger cunts than normal.

Take El Presidente, Sr. Chavez. Definitely a big cunt. The longer I spent in Venezuela, the more I realized that he is the perfect embodiment of Venezuela — rude, fat, and ugly.

A lot of Western liberals idealize Chavez, more out of desperation at the brokenness of the American capitalist system than anything else. (Actually going to Venezuela will, by the way, rapidly cure you of any lingering fantasies you have about Chavez.)

Chavez says he is a socialist or a communist or some such rot. If only he were. Chavez is just as bad as the long string of dictators who have ruled Venezuela for the last fifty years. The only difference is that instead of being an American puppet, he has gained wild popularity by sticking his finger in George Bush’s eye.

Now, like most people, I enjoy watching him stick a finger in George Bush’s eye, and even think George Bush deserves having a finger poked in his eye, but that does not make what Chavez is doing to the people of Venezuela a good or noble thing, and it definitely doesn’t make it socialism.

Let me tell you what I saw when I was in Venezuela. I was there in November 2006, just before Chavez was “re-elected”. Do you know how these elections work? Voting in Venezuela under Chavez is not anonymous. If you don’t vote for Chavez, and you work for the government, you are going to lose your job. Your children won’t go to a good school. Maybe your property will be “re-distributed” and taken away from you.

I personally met several nurses and teachers who were fired from their government jobs because they signed the referendum against Chavez. Little old ladies in hushed tones would reach a hand across the aisle on a long bus journey, touch my elbow and whisper earnestly in bad English (so that no one else could understand) how much they hate Chavez, how he is destroying their country, how they all want to get out.

Why is Chavez such a big cunt? Why is Venezuela a country of camel toe? I think it’s the oil. The combination of that lazy Latin-Caribbean lifestyle and the insta-riches of Texas Tea has completely gone to these people’s heads, and they are ga-ga corrupted with the power oil brings.

Maybe the petroleum beneath the surface of the earth increases the gravitational pull within the borders of Venezuela, causing pudenda to sag and bloat. Or perhaps the petroleum has entered the food chain, causing an enlargement of the entire country’s female genitalia.

Whatever it is, just remember: the United States gave Venezuela baseball, the word “full”, and taught them how to be assholes. If you don’t like them the way they are now, you can only ask yourself who they learned it from.

Update:

Is it any coincidence that the most common word in Venezuela is “cuño” (”cunt”)?